These two words have melded together in action in our society and it is causing division, suffering and harm. Think about the last power struggle you were in, perhaps with a child, sibling, partner, peer, boss or contractor. Some issue or concern that had the energy of “my way or the highway” a black and white decision perhaps, no win win only a winner and a loser. The more there is a stake the more each side dug in their heels. The possibility of finding common ground or common needs from which to build a solution is lost.
Relive one of these power struggles and you will find, in either you or the other or both parties when understanding was used synonymously as agreement. It likely was never spoken, but energetically, if you understood the other there was a risk it would be perceived as an agreement and then you would lose. And they energetically felt the same.
The moment that understanding is used the same as agreement is the exact moment there is no win win option, there can only be a winner and a loser. In some cases, two parties start a relationship or discussion with this mistake. In other cases it develops along the way. The result is the same, division and neither side getting what they need.
Understanding another, whether that is an opinion, action, choice, motive or you name it, means comprehension. It means I hear what you are saying, requesting, need, feel, want, require for example, and I comprehend it. It doesn’t have to make sense to me to understand it. For a moment I can fully hear you, listen to you as if I was you and comprehend. Not judge it, not make logic of it, not believe it and not agree with it – but just comprehend it. You can understand something, something fully and not agree with it or agree with it.
Agreement is totally different than understanding. Often, for agreement to occur, an understanding has also occurred. You agree to things you understand, almost automatically or without acknowledgement. But you also agree with things you do not understand. That requires trust and faith but you have and will do that again. Remember a time when you allowed a friend, lover or child do something you did not understand but you agreed to it?
When we use understanding and agreement as equals we do a disservice to ourselves, others and what we might create or prevent together. Pay attention to when disagree with someone but cannot create space to understand them that is using them as synonyms. You fear that if you understand them and let them know, they will think you agree and your needs will not be met. Pay attention when you are demanding someone agree with you when all you may need is understanding. It will change what you ask for and how. Pay attention to when you agree, notice your level of understanding in that agreement. Pay attention when others are asking you for agreement, decipher if what they really want is understanding or agreement, and choose based on an evaluation of both.
What is the Woo Woo Breakdown?
Get over it! Just love yourself. There is a reason this happened. Don’t take it so personally. It is their problem, let it go. These are examples of what I call “woo woo” statements. You know some magic is in them, but you can’t crack the code and access the relief you are seeking. They remain words without any tangible meaning.
I decided to create the Woo Woo Breakdown and bring some insight. Take these as seeds and tend your own garden, add your own comments or post a Woo Woo for Barb to breakdown.
Formula—-examples of the conversation, what others want, when say it, what they mean, need versus. What you need. What you can do for yourself.