‘I Am Death’ SoulCollage® card by Barb Horn
They say things happen in threes. Three is my favorite number. The past few months I have experience three transitions of people I loved. One unexpected and unplanned (collapse not revived), one expected and unplanned (chronic illness) and the third unexpected and planned (suicide). Many souls are choosing to transition as the veils between here and there are thinning (the influence of Neptune in Pisces here for a while). We keep often keep our knowledge that death is inevitable at bay. When it does happen close to us it is impossible to ignore. The impacts of someone passing impacts each of us differently, just as in life, each beloved influenced our lives uniquely. Add to the mix we each have a different relationship with death.
Death, regardless if expected or not, planned or not, is a game changer for those involved. Death is many things, but one of the few things in life that stops time and takes our breath away. Death awakens. Awakens us with vibrations of life, forcing our attention on our own alive body and how we are living or have lived. It is a strong and uncomfortable vibration. Death awakens us to our impermanence and to our fragility. Death interrupts our illusion of control. Death gifts us a void we didn’t ask for but a void we get to chose what to do with. Even believing, accepting and or understanding that death is part of life, doesn’t help that much when in the depths of actually navigating what comes up when someone you love dies.
Death, like all things in life, it is neither good nor bad, right or wrong, those labels are not helpful. Human nature wants easy and quick answers to short circuit the pain. If we can put something in a box with a label like good or bad, somehow, it will fill the void and give us a “pass” on the process of healing. Labels provide a path to predictability outcomes in our mind. As part of being human, we attach to outcomes and how we think or believe things should be. This provides feelings of safety, control and power. We do so easily as if we know everything we need to know about ourselves, others, nature and the mystery of Source.
If for a moment, when we are able, we get rid of good and bad, right and wrong as useless labels and instead look at all things with equanimity. This helps us gain a perspective that can serve our grief. Viewing something with equanimity, doesn’t mean you don’t care or are ignoring it, quite the opposite. It means you are not giving it 100% over you in order to gain clarity on what exactly is yours in the situation to give voice to, take responsibility, heal, let go or whatever is needed. To identify what you need and feel to make decisions that serve you. Rather that projecting what you need onto others, demanding what they should do, creating drama and trauma, suffering and confusion.
This perspective is one of many to employ, not “the” perspective. Viewing death with equanimity is viewing death (or anything) as simply the next thing we get to experience, navigate, participate, endure, conquer, fail, explore, learn, grow, ignore, resist and the list is infinite. Whether that thing is death, illness, job or relationship loss or winning the lottery, getting married, having a child, purchasing a house or getting a promotion – you get to experience. It is just the next assignment in the classroom. From that perspective, it is not personal in quite the same way. The range of choices available for our response expands. And we make different choices. No choice is easy when we lose a loved one and are grieving. But this isn’t about ease; in fact if it was easy it wouldn’t be valuable, and an important step in making a mark on your soul. It is about finding choices that resonate with you personally while allowing others the same freedom. And that is where complications come in.
Death either separates you from or moves you closer to yourself, Source and others. It is a choice. And it might be a choice you have to make over and over in the grieving process. Death seems to awaken the crazy in people. Death interrupts the expected and predictable. People, families, and friends do and say things they would not otherwise do or say. Things that hurt others, ourselves, defy logic, are confusing, selfish and a host of other low vibrations. These choices separate us from the very people we are seeking comfort or whom we share grief. Crazy making happens in families and with friends at death when we allow our fears and lack of control to make the dying or transitioned person’s death about us and our own fears and needs. In doing so, we cannot discern clearly the needs of the dying or others involved from our own. Others needs are clouded and muddled by our own fears and needs. And the choices we make from fear, hurt and confusion separate us from ourselves, others and Source.
Our relationship with death reveals much about our relationship with life and how we believe we are living fully or not. American culture fears aging and death. We are more upset when a dog dies in a movie than if 20 people die in the same movie. Anti-abortionist fight for innocent babies but not for humans on death row or the people who die every day from gun violence. We spend billions of dollars to keep from aging and in the last few days of life ignoring how either are keeping us separated from a quality life. When death enters our sphere we are surprised and create drama and trauma to avoid it at all cost (look at our medical, insurance, economic systems that reflect this avoidance) and keep us separated from being present in daily life, separated from a fulfilling life but also from fully engaging in the dying, death and grieving process. Death is taboo to talk about, taboo to experience or look forward to, and aging is one step toward death so it too is taboo, but I will take your billion dollars to make you believe you can escape it.
We do not have to be afraid, in fact fear separates. Death exposes. Death exposes truth, vulnerability and our common humanity. It is in that exposure, that vulnerability we choose to shut down, turn away and separate or reach out, upward and inward. And that is when healing occurs. Giving proper space to the duration, frequency and magnitude to death and grieving. Death exposes things that were or never could never be spoken, expressed, named, told or revealed. Death releases all that, if we allow it too, otherwise we carry it with us like a bag of bricks, into this life and perhaps the next. These exposure and release is an uncomfortable and messy even taboo. Our culture says it is taboo to give voice to anything but light and love about a person who has died. Whatever else might be exposed, forget it, get over it and move on.
Perhaps this exposure doesn’t have to be so mysterious and taboo if we give it permission. Everyone is imperfect in life that is part of being human. We do not love equally, even if we strive to do so, we do not. No one does. We all have and will withhold love for some, pour out excess for others and be love neutral for others. This may manifest in how we give gifts, money, sex, our time or possessions as an example. We do this for a host of reasons, including for protection, acceptance, fear, safety, honor, expectations, power, perceptions, roles, dependence, security, survival, control and for love to name a few. We may not even be aware of it, but we all love unequally. We are complicated souls in this human experiment.
As such, when someone dies your experience of their love and that loss, may not be, no- will not be the same as anyone else. If you wanted love from someone who while alive was not able to give it to you, or you could not receive what was given, you will experience their loss differently than someone who was showered with love and could accept that shower. That is reality. The problem is we don’t allow space for the full range of experiences.
We believe that by listening and accepting a different experience of this passed beloved person, perhaps a harsher, not so “they were amazing” experience will invalidate my experience that this person loved you. They could not have done that to you and loved me. Our desire to be seen, heard and witnessed can result in behaviors that feel like to others we are asking, even demanding that they accept our experience as their own. To others on the receiving end, who have a different experience, sharing a different experience can feel like others are puking on your own experience and process. It feels like you have to give up your experience to make room for theirs. Neither is likely true, especially if we can make room for all experiences.
Listening and acknowledging another’s experience is not the same as agreement. Intellectually we know that others experiences do not invalidate our own, but our hearts are slow to follow, especially when grieving. Sharing our experiences and being witnessed is healing. Sharing doesn’t require agreement to be healing. A willingness to expose our humanity and common vulnerability in death and provide a safe space to do so liberates and transforms shame and guilt into peace, compassion and relief.
Death exposes the universal truth that we are not perfect in life and our gifts in death will not be perfect either. Sometimes the best gift we give someone is who we were not and that drives the other to seek what they need rather than get it from you. Think about that, many gifts from your parents are likely related to whom they were not, what they could not give or do – and you found a way to fill that void. We all impact someone(s) positively and etch a quality, nature, meme, attitude or such on their souls. That is how you live on in others. We all have hurt others in some way as well, intended or not, aware or not as part of the human experience. Those experiences etch on others souls as well, and are a gift, not good or bad, right or wrong. That too is how you live on. Naming those hurts, giving those voices and witnessing is healthy, liberating and healing.
Death either separates or moves you closer to yourself, Source and others. It is a choice. I invite you to be open to all experiences when someone transitions, for yourself and others. Create space and time to be vulnerable and expose your truth. Name what someone who has transitioned etched on your soul, whether it is a labeled positive or “I will remember to not do xyz” or equivalent in nature, they are all gifts, all part of being human in life and death. Take it, use it and remember you to will leave the same rich complicated bundle for others when you transition. Develop a relationship with aging and death that serves your everyday life and choices, you will be happier, live full with the time you have and create way less drama and trauma around your own death and those you love. What a gift, to be fully with those you love in life and in their transition.